2am Ramblings from a recovering fractured heart

I write this not for sympathy or any reaction at all. I write and post this for myself. I find writing and sending things out into the universe very cathartic. I suppose similar to writing a letter and burning it. But these are the ramblings that are stuck on a constant loop in my head at the moment. I don’t expect anyone to ever read this and if you are reading this, welcome to the inside of my head at 2am on 19th July. 

It’s been three years since my marriage ended. The man I loved completely with all my heart and soul just upped and left me. They say that time is a healer which yes I agree with, however this time of year I always find myself back with all the raw feelings from then. 

Don’t get me wrong there’s no way I would want to get back with him, not that that would ever be a possibility. But it’s seems to have had a physical affect on me. For 3 months each year it’s like I’m right back to that rough time. That limbo of not knowing what was happening and why it was happening. 

Can you imagine your perfect love, perfect marriage, the one man that knew all your loves, insecurities, dreams, the many who said he will never leave you just one day turn his back on you?

One incident from that time that is really sticking in my mind right now is I was listening to the radio in the home we had together and he was also still in the house even though he had already said he was leaving me, I ended up sitting in the under stairs cupboard balling my eyes out, the sobs were so loud he would have certainly heard me but not once did he comfort me or even check on me. When I think back now he had clearly checked out of the relationship if only I had the answers to the millions of questions I still ask to this day. Like when did it change, I was oblivious to it. 

I never dreamed I would be spending any part of my adult life on my own let alone never getting to speak to my best friend ever again. There’s so much I miss even to this day, simple things like the kiss on the forehead whilst I’m sleeping as be left for work, and our Friday and Saturday evening spent in our kitchen, me drinking wine whilst watching him cook and laughing at him singing and dancing about. Unlike that man I can still see all the good in our marriage. 

People seem to think there is a time frame for getting over a broken heart, personally I think everyone is different and I say to anyone else going through heartbreak, take as long as you need to grieve. Trust me I grieved so much that I could even cry in public and not feel embarrassed!!!!!! 

I know in a month or so I’ll be back to my new normal, my life of sharing my home with the new love of my life, Penelope my house rabbit. The funny thing, the rest of the year I live with a heart full of gratitude and living in the present but June comes along and BHAM, 3 months of reverting back to 3 years ago.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel after a very low few days where I’ve hardly left my bed and just wanted to sleep. I think the fact that I currently have no purpose got the better of me. I have hardly any plans and most days wonder what’s the point of getting up. I feel like I exist rather than live.

Since this relapse has gotten worse I’ve felt like I’m constantly grieving every single loss that happens in my life (even the end of a tv series feels like the end of the world to me).

I’m someone that loves to live. I love to work & love to be busy. So not working and not being busy drives me insane!!

Because I am a type A personality I need to somehow be productive even whilst suffering from chronic illnesses. So I think for my sanity I’ll start making a plan so it looks like I’m doing something. Even the littlest of things count when you have such little energy. I think I need to retrain my brain in its way of thinking so I don’t think oh I only managed that today. Instead I need to celebrate that I managed that today!!

It just shows how powerful our minds are. Because I was feeling so negative about things, this then manifested physically and made my symptoms a lot worse. Which for someone with ME & fibromyalgia meant a lot of time spent in bed. I basically don’t think I was awake much through most of the week.

Now I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I have realised I need to focus on the positives in my life otherwise I’ll go stir crazy. So now to start with I’m going to list something I’m grateful for about my life each morning and night and add to the list daily.

Tonight I’ll start with I’m thankful for the family and friends who care for me and got worried during the few days when I hadn’t responded to them. Sorry guys!

The Spark

Recently I have been thinking about The Spark. You know what I mean, that feeling you get when you are with the person you love, that connection that seems more important than any other connection with any other person in the world. You know when you have the spark with someone, everything about them makes you smile, you get the butterflies when you think about them and how the butterflies feel when you see that person. It’s a known fact about me that I am a hopeless romantic and wish life was like a Disney movie or a girly chick flick. In some instances the spark between two people is instantaneous. We’ve all seen a scene where their eyes lock over a crowded room and the whole of the room seems to cease to exist and all there is is the 2 of them, it’s like the rest of the world has vanished for a moment. I certainly remember feeling that way myself once before.
I recently asked a bunch of people I know firstly if the believe in The Spark and secondly do they think it’s an instant thing or does it grow over time and boy did I get a lot of replies. I have heard stories of both which is very encouraging, sadly there were also replies of people who had never experienced this feeling.

Some practical people tried to explain that it wasn’t really a spark or an instant attraction and that really it was all to do with biology and pheromones. That’s such a boring way to think about it. It may be true but I prefer to think of falling in love as more than biology. After all love is meant to be special and exciting, something that we treasure when we are in love and usually most people can tell you the moment they actually fell in love with their significant other. 

Some were optimistic and had only ever fallen in love instantly with someone, some wouldn’t even waste their time on someone in the hope that a spark would grow, basically if the spark wasn’t there when they first met then they didn’t bother forcing it. 
That’s the thing, especially now with social media & internet dating, are we trying to force fate? Do we push for a relationship because they came across well via messaging? But in fact if we had actually met them initially in person we may never have given them a second glance. 
But I still cannot find an answer for if the spark is solely instantaneous or as a lovely lady I know called its “a slow burning flame” which she went on to explain can be just as good as an instant spark it’s just it takes time for the love to grow. 
Personally I want the fantasy, I want to catch the eye of a man over a room and all of a sudden the room goes quiet to me and all I can see is him and feel this magnetic pull towards him. We then meet in the middle of the room and then the whole ‘they lived happily ever after’.

Searching for a Unicorn or Another Mytical Creature

I’ve just realised at 12:30am that in this new world of dating I’m searching for a unicorn. The reason I say this is because recently I’ve been seeing a really lovely guy & if I was to sit and have a coffee with you and tell you all about him you would think he is wonderful and not understand why I’m hesitating, you would call me nuts, insane, crazy, out of my mind. He basically ticks every box on my listConversation is brill (unlike the ex husband who hardly spoke)

Our humours click

He’s caring and understanding. 

Doesn’t rush me or get impatient when I cancel on him because of the illnesses

And the list goes on. 

There really doesn’t seem to be any faults to him at all. But as usual I can always find one. 

Since I’ve been dating I have found some amazing excuses to put myself off of some men. 

One dipped his fries in both ketchup & mayo 🤢

One had too much going on with his ex wife 

One wanted to spend too much time with me 😱

One wanted to pay for everything including a weekend to Amsterdam (I ended it before he could book it)

Anyway as you can see quite often these are stupid excuses and my close friends who know about these excuses think I’m mad. Who on earth ends it with a guy because he wants to spoil her. 

Don’t we all want to be whisked off our feet? Treated like a princess. 

Yes & no. It’s nice that they feel like that. But in my experience men seem to “fall” for me quicker than I do them. They get all keen & I end up running for the hills. 

However this time around it’s different, this guy doesn’t treat me like a princess, come to think of it I don’t think he’s even complimented me on anything like my looks or even my outfit. But there’s still something missing. Even though he ticks all the boxes. I just don’t feel the spark. You know what I mean, that chick flick realisation that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, that you couldn’t imagine not being with them, the butterflies in the tummy when you think about them let alone the rush you get when you see them. 

Sadly none of this is happening with the guy that ticks all the boxes. 

So back to square one of hunting the unicorn. Maybe he doesn’t exist but I’m optimistic that he does. I found a unicorn before but sadly that was a temporary one. Now it’s time to find the lifetime fairytale one. Wish me luck. I’ll be donning my ruby slippers, whilst talking to woodland creatures who I’m convinced will talk back & bursting out into song whenever I feel like it. After all life is a Disney movie for this delusional singleton. 

The Winner Takes it All??

After an evening of doing my best Bridget Jones impression (you knows the one, PJs, wine, pathetically singing along to ballads) I started to listen to an ABBA playlist (where would we be without YouTube?) The winner takes it all was playing and I was belting it out as if U can actually sing (my poor neighbours) All of a sudden I stopped and blurted out to myself and Audrey my pet bunny who has to sit and listen to all my waffling & ranting that I do. I think if this bunny could talk she could probably be a life coach. Anyway back to what I blurted out….. I asked myself “Does the winner actually take it all?” and also “who actually is the winner in a break up?”

I know from my own recent divorce that it would feel nice to think of myself as the winner and my husband as the loser but as anyone who has had a break up knows if you’re the one that didn’t chose the break up it really does feel like the other took it all. I for one felt like my husband had taken everything when he left me. Even though when I moved out of our home I had all the furniture I can fit in my little flat and had a lump sum settlement as part of our separation agreement I know I didn’t feel like the winner. I can remember during a heated telephone call with him he said to me that I had one & how I had gotten my way. I didn’t see myself as winning or how I had gotten my way at all. At that time I would have happily given it all away to just have my husband back.

But now when I think back I think, was he the winner?? I may have most of the possessions but my life and emotions were empty & raw. It truly felt like my life was in tatter and I suppose to an extent it was. Whereas there he was climbing the career ladder, swanning all over the place, parading his new whore around and no sign of a broken heart, anyone that had seen me said I was a shadow of myself at that time.

So, who actually won?

Is it the person who walked away less broken & pain free or is it the person who had to pick themselves back up, dust themselves off and start a new life?

I know from my experience I learnt a hell of a lot and came out of the situation a strong independent woman that I had forgotten I was.

Personally, I don’t believe there is a winner to take it all. I believe that there’s got to be some hurt for both parties, whether they will admit it or not. You will both come out of the relationship as different people to the one you were when you started the relationship. Back then you were optimistic and full of the joys of love, that amazing honeymoon period we all go through. At the end of the day we would marry and say the vows “til death do us part” if we actually thought we would break up.

It is infinitely sad when anyone breaks up so no there really isn’t a winner. We are losing the person we thought was our soul mate, the person we were going to grow old with. So to answer my own questions, no I don’t believe the winner takes it all because at the end of the days there is no winner to take it all. All w can do is move on and learn from the pain caused and hope to find the soulmate we thought that previous person was. I’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason so that relationship although it was devastating to end was meant to end for a reason even if that reason was to show me the woman I can be one my own. I’m very proud of this person that I am and I hope whoever reads this looks back at their previous relationships and realises that they have made them stronger and have had a part in making them the person that they are today too.