I write this not for sympathy or any reaction at all. I write and post this for myself. I find writing and sending things out into the universe very cathartic. I suppose similar to writing a letter and burning it. But these are the ramblings that are stuck on a constant loop in my head at the moment. I don’t expect anyone to ever read this and if you are reading this, welcome to the inside of my head at 2am on 19th July.
It’s been three years since my marriage ended. The man I loved completely with all my heart and soul just upped and left me. They say that time is a healer which yes I agree with, however this time of year I always find myself back with all the raw feelings from then.
Don’t get me wrong there’s no way I would want to get back with him, not that that would ever be a possibility. But it’s seems to have had a physical affect on me. For 3 months each year it’s like I’m right back to that rough time. That limbo of not knowing what was happening and why it was happening.
Can you imagine your perfect love, perfect marriage, the one man that knew all your loves, insecurities, dreams, the many who said he will never leave you just one day turn his back on you?
One incident from that time that is really sticking in my mind right now is I was listening to the radio in the home we had together and he was also still in the house even though he had already said he was leaving me, I ended up sitting in the under stairs cupboard balling my eyes out, the sobs were so loud he would have certainly heard me but not once did he comfort me or even check on me. When I think back now he had clearly checked out of the relationship if only I had the answers to the millions of questions I still ask to this day. Like when did it change, I was oblivious to it.
I never dreamed I would be spending any part of my adult life on my own let alone never getting to speak to my best friend ever again. There’s so much I miss even to this day, simple things like the kiss on the forehead whilst I’m sleeping as be left for work, and our Friday and Saturday evening spent in our kitchen, me drinking wine whilst watching him cook and laughing at him singing and dancing about. Unlike that man I can still see all the good in our marriage.
People seem to think there is a time frame for getting over a broken heart, personally I think everyone is different and I say to anyone else going through heartbreak, take as long as you need to grieve. Trust me I grieved so much that I could even cry in public and not feel embarrassed!!!!!!
I know in a month or so I’ll be back to my new normal, my life of sharing my home with the new love of my life, Penelope my house rabbit. The funny thing, the rest of the year I live with a heart full of gratitude and living in the present but June comes along and BHAM, 3 months of reverting back to 3 years ago.
Tara Says 